Dear Friends,
This one goes out to all my people struggling with anxiety! Stress, worry, fear, etc. In this week’s parsha, Jacob is deep in it. It’s been years since he’s taken his brother Esau’s birthright and blessing, and now he has two wives, two concubines, over a dozen children, a lot to lose. He finds out that Esau is nearby and coming towards him with a massive retinue, and he’s “greatly frightened” with “anxiety,” imagining the absolute worst.
Ancient and medieval commentators alike asked the question – why was Jacob so afraid? After all, God had promised him that God would protect him wherever he went. That was the whole theme of the “Jacob’s ladder” dream. This line of questioning makes me think of a sort of guilt that many of us who struggle with anxiety tend to feel. Why are we freaking out all the time? Why can’t we be more grounded, more peaceful, more grateful and resilient? What’s our problem?
Midrash Tanchuma offers an understanding reply: “Such is the character of pious people (chasidim); though the Holy One Blessed be God promises them God’s protection, they do not throw off fear. So it is written with regard to Jacob: ‘Then Jacob was greatly afraid.’ Why was he afraid? He said: Maybe I strayed in some way while with Laban…and the Holy One has consequently left me.” Jacob was worried that he’d done something after God made God’s promise that had put his relationship with God in jeopardy – and the Midrash says that that worry is actually a good thing; it’s part of what makes one a chasid. That word is often translated as “pious person,” but it comes from the same Hebrew root of chesed – loving kindness. When we’re concerned about our own behavior, and when we worry about whether or not we’re doing a good enough job, or showing up enough for other people – that’s part of how we show our loving kindness. Worrying, stressing, caring – it’s not entirely problematic. If it’s motivating us to continue to try, to continue to be thoughtful, to continue to look out for one another, that’s a good thing.
But there’s an important second side to this worry, to this belief that things could turn around for the worse if we don’t keep working hard: We also have to believe that things can turn around for the better. If we can stress and angst about how things can fall apart because we’re not doing a good enough job, we also have to be able to hope and believe and take comfort in the fact that things can get better because we can do better. This is what it means to believe in teshuvah. Coming back to our best selves. It’s the belief that we can transform our lives and the world through our actions, for better or for worse. It’s a healthy respect for the unknown. That respect can be anxiety inducing, but it can also be comforting. It’s very Jewish, and it’s very real.
Shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Hannah